Daily failure of my heart 

I think he doesn’t know yet how much i love him. Like he never see my eyes when i look at him, that moment when they start filling with tears. Like the morning waking up when i touch his lips very carefully to not wake him up. Like when i kiss him everywhere just cause i cant stand without his touch. Like when i am so in love that i sleep alone in my bed and cant breath thinking of him. Like the whole moments of my day when i cant stop catching myself thinking about being with him. Like when i make him smile cause i am so clumsy and talk all the time. Like when i want more all the time and i start fighting cause he doesnt see me.

My love makes everything harder and complicated. My love.
But I dont know about his love. Cause he doesnt do romance and i cant stand not kissing him daily.

Hold on, we are going home…

This week … is just past continuous all the way up to hell.

I couldn’t cry today, not even a tear. No crazy thoughts through my mind and I didn’t even get angry. But on the other hand, I felt stupid. I got cold and very stubborn.

I was just sure that this is not the end, that he is not that guy who will let me wonder or will call me bitch for cutting the call when he was speaking. I just knew, so now, I am crying.

He is my home, his face brings me joy and when he hug me – I have this ‘cranberry’ feeling (I have some cranberries candles – you should try them before trying to understand me). He is all this peace and calm vibes. He is somebody that I usually didn’t let in. But this one is mine.

I am allowed to be happy? Maybe that why I am messing up, this fear comes and goes.

and all I want is this :

A doua mina

Am un adevar sau un ‘of’ de scris, pentru ca nu m-ai suport femeile care isi iarta sotul dar o detesta pe amanta.

Cind am inceput acest blog, eram intr-o relatie cu un baiat brunet si inalt, destept si cu simtul umorului dar dupa cum am aflat mult mai tirziu (dupa ce m-a lovit ‘dragostea’) avea prietena. Eu aveam 19 ani pe atunci, cu o experienta zero si cu o naivitate uimitoare.

De prietena, nu am aflat de la el, mi-a spus o colega de a mea pe atunci de la colegiu, care facea dintr-un grup cu el si eu. Din cite am inteles, ei nu intretineau relatii sexuale si ea nu era din oras. Mentionezi asta pentru ca, el nu a fost doar in patul meu.Desi era o puternica atractie sexuala, noi aveam o relatie ca orice care alta.Parcuri, iesiri cu prieteni comuni, SMS si cuvinte lungi si dulci – daca totul asta a fost pentru un vagin, pai imi pare rau pentru mine, desi…

Stiti, cum de obicei, barbatul promite ca va renunta la nevasta dar asta se intinde pe mult timp sau nu se intimpla niciodata. Pai, eu l-am intrebat doar odata, ce are de gind sa faca si cit asta se lungi. El tot ma ruga sa astept, ba ca au multi prieteni comuni si nu ar vrea despartirea lor sa afecteze aceste legaturi, sau ca nu e timpul potrivit, sau ca el e confuz.

‘Mie bine cu tine.’ Atit imi repeta cit ne tineam in parc de mina, sau ‘Te vreau’ privindu-ma in ochii. Sigur ca in astfel de moment, nu te mai gindesti la prietena lui, mai ales ca nu il imparteam in pat si ei nu se vedeau atit de des cum o faceam noi doi.

Deci, one day I snapped. Pur si simplu, am contact-o pe iubita pe skype si i-am si trimis dovezi – pentru ca dragostea asta mi-a stat in ziua aia in git. Stiti ce sa intimplat apoi? Am ramas eu curva. Din toate replicile ei de atunci, mi s-a intiparit doar una, m-a intrebat ea : ‘Ti-a spus el vreodata ca te iubeste?’ nu mi-a spus; eu o simteam de fiecare data cind il priveam sau cum ma saruta.Eu nu aveam nevoie de cuvinte. Am fost iubita de el. Intr-un oarecare moment sau zi, eu am fost iubita de el.

Ei nu s-a despartit atunci, au facut-o mult mai tirziu. Si eu plingeam nopti si zile. Obsedata,dar de ce? Care a fost sensul? Eu nu aveam un act planuit, sa ii despart si eu sa ramin cu el, Nu! In ziua aia, eu pur si simplu am vrut sa il pedepsesc, dar cea care a fost pedepsita am fost eu. Am ramas ‘ fata care se culca cu iubitul meu’. El s-a comportat ca un adevarat las, a luat un buchet de flori si s-a dus la ea sa-i explice situatia. Si ea l-a iertat, desigur avind increderea ranita – dar ea la primit inapoi! Am aflat de la el, pentru ca pina la urma, el m-a ranit spunind : Alex, ce vrei sa auzi? Da, a fost doar sex; desi stiu ca nu era adevarat (am avut discutie cu el dupa ce ei s-au despartit).Nu am urit-o pe ea nici un minut, doar m-am simtit ofensata sa fiu privita si comentata ca fata usuratica pentru ca m-am indragostit desi nu a fost o relatie doar cu sex.

Ne-am revazut dupa ce ei au pus capat relatiei, eu fiind inca cu inima deschis spre el. Iar el nu a mai fost al meu dupa asta, doar decit in pat.Pe parcusul a 5-6 ani, din auzite si vazute, el a inselat 2 prietene cu mine.Desigur, a booty call never hurt nobody, dar de fiecare data cind ii spuneam  I. cu cine m-am revazut aseara in apartamentul meu pe intuneric, mereu auzeam : ‘Pai el ii e cu …. sau ….’ . Si cu timpul m-am invatat sa nu am asteptari si cel mai important, am invatat sa nu il mai pling, aici pe blog.

Acum spuneti, de ce eu trebuie sa fiu amanta care si-a ‘ridicat coada’ in relatie? Sau de ce am fost doar eu comentata printre prietenii ei? De ce totul se rezuma la amanta? Sex? Sau te iubescuri?

Sigur, puteam sa renunt la el cind am aflat de ea, dar de ce? Eu eram doar o fata naiva si cu ochii indragostiti? Eu am asteptat el sa faca pasul corect si sa aleaga. Cineva imi spunea ca daca stateam la banca mea, puteam sa il conving sa o paraseasca doar ca eu nu am asteptat. Voi nu aveti ideie, cite lucruri am facut eu ca sa aflu detalii, chestii  si trestii. Emailuri sparte, parole aflate, imagini cautate si gasite. Aveam momente curate de nebunie si doar pentru ca il iubeam. Dar a trecut pentru ca am invatat sa iubesc fara nebunie si m-am ales cu yin din yang.

Its time, A

How many boys or man I loved here?! It could be hundreds, or maybe just one. I  know the answer, but I dont feel like defending myself. 

Look what they all did to me. Now I can’t trust my future husband; loving him, and pushing myself to trust him, rolling  into the circle gets me so tired and wasted. 

I ask everyone but me.

I need to stop worrying and just live. If he is gonna walk away, thas fine – he is not gonna be the first. I am strong enough to start all over again and fight my demons and insecurities. 

But I love him, and I dont want him to walk away. I love him and when I look at him – I want myself free off all the drama and this crazy past shit.

I want everything to be perfect, but i know me to well to understand that perfect never happens around me.I am not that type to pray  for a miracle. I am not that and this.

I am passionate, clear and brave.  Die or ride, I am loyal for life. But I get tired going in vain after a fantasy. 

back-up and restore.

Yesterday I put out the desperate woman. He wanted to slow down the things. I said no! You know what ‘lets slow down’ means. No more things, no more nothing.

I back-up it, I refused and explain my reason. But now, I can’t lose this feeling that he already decide for him; I can’t get this out of my mind that the things don’t go with the flow anymore. We don’t have fun, we don’t talk, we don’t even ‘love the bed’ anymore.

And it’s all because I have my reason to think that all this is a game. I don’t trick-or-treat’ anymore. I will admit that he somehow pushed me with making that baby decision, but that doesn’t say that I don’t want it.

Maybe after all this drama this year, I am being just paranoid that all of they play games with me.

By surprise, I back-up and restore my data/photos from the old phone to my new one and I’ve got the every photo of my ex and our chat. Like the worst idea of mine. I looked at him and I just saw a pretty face and an asshole. But no more than that. No regrets that I dumped him by phone, no sadness about the time spent together.

All of them did cheat, or got secrets or lied. So how the fuck P. wants me to be normal, to not go crazy and coo-coo over the nest?

Like, life c’mon, just fuck me over, please!

I died at the age of 25

I couldn’t sleep, I even start crying but didn’t get any tired eyes enough to fall asleep. Did work through the night like a zombie, but my mind is not stuck anymore. All my wars stopped and all the weapons are down. No more.

I got him. And cause I believe in this, I got stuck in the crazy side of me. I want it now and here. No excuse, no explanations. Nothing. Here and now – no tomorrow.

I lied when he asked if I want to get married. I lied. Cause I wished I said yes. Yes to the marriage, yes to the ring. But the feminist in me – damn her.

Whatever happens between us, we will survive. If we got it, we got it. End of the story.

I will write a long letter about him, I promise.

I will post it here.I promise.

Deal with yourself

I didn’t write much lately, did I?

Is not like I am losing my passion, I think is just laziness and lack of time. I am so tired, and I write this with my eyes ‘wet’.

I got stuck with routine and loads of unfocused goals. London gives me a lot of stories, but no muse and time for writing them. They just buzz in my head for days, months, years.

This stories need real time and the girl behind this partial happy woman, to put them in places and lines, and papers with some help from the pen. Whatever it takes to make this happen.

I came here (London) for love and memories, to finding myself among those so many lonely people, just like me. Choosing love – always.

Shoot for the moon, you may not reach it, but you definitely will touch some stars on the way there. That’s enough.