I died at the age of 25

I couldn’t sleep, I even start crying but didn’t get any tired eyes enough to fall asleep. Did work through the night like a zombie, but my mind is not stuck anymore. All my wars stopped and all the weapons are down. No more.

I got him. And cause I believe in this, I got stuck in the crazy side of me. I want it now and here. No excuse, no explanations. Nothing. Here and now – no tomorrow.

I lied when he asked if I want to get married. I lied. Cause I wished I said yes. Yes to the marriage, yes to the ring. But the feminist in me – damn her.

Whatever happens between us, we will survive. If we got it, we got it. End of the story.

I will write a long letter about him, I promise.

I will post it here.I promise.

Deal with yourself

I didn’t write much lately, did I?

Is not like I am losing my passion, I think is just laziness and lack of time. I am so tired, and I write this with my eyes ‘wet’.

I got stuck with routine and loads of unfocused goals. London gives me a lot of stories, but no muse and time for writing them. They just buzz in my head for days, months, years.

This stories need real time and the girl behind this partial happy woman, to put them in places and lines, and papers with some help from the pen. Whatever it takes to make this happen.

I came here (London) for love and memories, to finding myself among those so many lonely people, just like me. Choosing love – always.

Shoot for the moon, you may not reach it, but you definitely will touch some stars on the way there. That’s enough.

Who to choose?

When I was in college, I was always speaking my bad inexperienced mouth, and I mean, that at that time I wasn’t reading too much, didn’t put any efforts to be bold and graceful.

The one thing I do remember about those time that I was saying that I don’t believe much in marriage. I never did live a love story, I had had just burn it down to ashes every time I feel in love.

Now, I react bad and mean to all of the sexist messages or about men being misogynist.

But still believe in power of connection no matter what happens in my life. I still believe in men who knows the worth and living to the reality I am just like him, a human being.

I grow up to the reality that even if sometime I push the life, I know I will get there. To be in the arms we all want to be. The right ones.


When he told me he is not legal here, I was so relieved but once again I was just thinking ‘How the hell I do find them?’.

He is this young-old guy, good christian with good manners and all this stuff. From his stories, he was homeless some time ago. People who lost everything once, intend to keep them self always on high alert, protected and are wiser with money than other. From the day he told me, I wrapped myself up and didn’t let myself fall for him. Even if I did tell him I love you one night, I just felt it like say it for him, for his ego, so he can feel protected and loved. But it was in vain.

From the first date, all the other ones happened only in his room and bed. I didn’t eat any chocolate from him, didn’t smell any flowers from him and believe me, it wasn’t that he didn’t have the money, he just didn’t want me be spoiled.

I still remember our first date. He was shy or scared and me, I just liked him so much. I even step on my gut and end up in his bed. I don’t regret it, I am just thinking why didn’t I walked away from his life when it was perfect time to do it.

One night, I worked till 11 pm and after did plan to go to his place. I plan this dinner thing, and I asked him to buy a bottle of wine. He said okay. He got a flue, were feeling bad, I was very late to his house with the take away. For the first time, I got there feeling unwanted, and I just regret that I spend 30£ on that stupid take-away dinner that end up in the bin. He didn’t like it. Actually he didn’t like any food I order or bring with me. That was hard to deal with a ‘man’ who’s problems were around money. But he didn’t do anything to change that. But talking about change, I was the one with problems. I was constantly swearing, cursing and being immature.

Swearing when I bring food and I don’t see any appreciation, even a fake one. Swearing when I go mad cause he keeps forgetting that I am supposed to be his woman. Being immature when I lose it about him coming in me while I wasn’t on pill or without even asking me about it. He wants kids and would be happy if I got pregnant. I am being immature here? He doesn’t have 5£ for a bottle of wine, but he perfectly will raise up a child. I asked him, i don’t even remember how many times to change the bed linen or to wash it. In vain.

I didn’t even comment about all the strange stuff I found in his kitchen or that he didn’t even had oil for cooking. He have only sugar in that cupboard and that’s it. But he wants a child.

I was trying be the woman who will not fuck his brain out about all the stuff that for me are very important. That wasn’t love and I knew it, from the day I left a note on his bed side table ‘ If you didn’t love me by now, you will never will.’

The last three night I was going there for sex. Yes, I did. But when my body and health showed me a weird phase, I got worried. I was responsible for myself, and I didn’t want a miserable life. In the end I took a test and everything was fine. I was just getting all this weird problems from the pills I start taking without him knowing. Because he wanted kids and I don’t.

So when the situation got stuck on my nerve, I spilled the beans.

And I ended on the bad frequency of me texting long messages and swearing. At least I was being me and not faking something that doesn’t belong to me. Like being a responsible guy but playing with fire.

Again? oh, no.

They are the one with problems and in the end I am the crazy one, too sentimental. Zero fuck given.

I am so mad. I am terrible at keeping myself together. I want to break everything and smash.

But this time will be different? Zero fuck given my ass, I wish.

How I wish to detach myself from it and focus better into my life. Tired for explaining myself, tired hearing all this complains and guilty words.

I am giving myself up too soon for something I believe into just cause I am so naive. But who’s giving zero fucks for me? They do. Very often.

I swear.

I am so tired. I work like crazy, I don’t even have time for good sleep anymore. Everybody who knows me, know that I don’t accept anyone in my life, especially men.

But this one, I swear to God, he was shy and all this calm and warm, that all I could feel was connection right there. I was relaxed but I could feel that from us two, I was the hurricane. I was crushing, falling and … swearing.

Sorry not sorry, like Yonce or Rihanna.

I am who I am. And if you didn’t found out till this moment that, then I will not apologize for being me.

I ain’t fucking with nobody.