Hero

When he told me he is not legal here, I was so relieved but once again I was just thinking ‘How the hell I do find them?’.

He is this young-old guy, good christian with good manners and all this stuff. From his stories, he was homeless some time ago. People who lost everything once, intend to keep them self always on high alert, protected and are wiser with money than other. From the day he told me, I wrapped myself up and didn’t let myself fall for him. Even if I did tell him I love you one night, I just felt it like say it for him, for his ego, so he can feel protected and loved. But it was in vain.

From the first date, all the other ones happened only in his room and bed. I didn’t eat any chocolate from him, didn’t smell any flowers from him and believe me, it wasn’t that he didn’t have the money, he just didn’t want me be spoiled.

I still remember our first date. He was shy or scared and me, I just liked him so much. I even step on my gut and end up in his bed. I don’t regret it, I am just thinking why didn’t I walked away from his life when it was perfect time to do it.

One night, I worked till 11 pm and after did plan to go to his place. I plan this dinner thing, and I asked him to buy a bottle of wine. He said okay. He got a flue, were feeling bad, I was very late to his house with the take away. For the first time, I got there feeling unwanted, and I just regret that I spend 30£ on that stupid take-away dinner that end up in the bin. He didn’t like it. Actually he didn’t like any food I order or bring with me. That was hard to deal with a ‘man’ who’s problems were around money. But he didn’t do anything to change that. But talking about change, I was the one with problems. I was constantly swearing, cursing and being immature.

Swearing when I bring food and I don’t see any appreciation, even a fake one. Swearing when I go mad cause he keeps forgetting that I am supposed to be his woman. Being immature when I lose it about him coming in me while I wasn’t on pill or without even asking me about it. He wants kids and would be happy if I got pregnant. I am being immature here? He doesn’t have 5£ for a bottle of wine, but he perfectly will raise up a child. I asked him, i don’t even remember how many times to change the bed linen or to wash it. In vain.

I didn’t even comment about all the strange stuff I found in his kitchen or that he didn’t even had oil for cooking. He have only sugar in that cupboard and that’s it. But he wants a child.

I was trying be the woman who will not fuck his brain out about all the stuff that for me are very important. That wasn’t love and I knew it, from the day I left a note on his bed side table ‘ If you didn’t love me by now, you will never will.’

The last three night I was going there for sex. Yes, I did. But when my body and health showed me a weird phase, I got worried. I was responsible for myself, and I didn’t want a miserable life. In the end I took a test and everything was fine. I was just getting all this weird problems from the pills I start taking without him knowing. Because he wanted kids and I don’t.

So when the situation got stuck on my nerve, I spilled the beans.

And I ended on the bad frequency of me texting long messages and swearing. At least I was being me and not faking sometimes that doesn’t belong to me. Like being a responsible guy but playing with fire.

Again? oh, no.

They are the one with problems and in the end I am the crazy one, too sentimental. Zero fuck given.

I am so mad. I am terrible at keeping myself together. I want to break everything and smash.

But this time will be different? Zero fuck given my ass, I wish.

How I wish to detach myself from it and focus better into my life. Tired for explaining myself, tired hearing all this complains and guilty words.

I am giving myself up too soon for something I believe into just cause I am so naive. But who’s giving zero fucks for me? They do. Very often.

I swear.

I am so tired. I work like crazy, I don’t even have time for good sleep anymore. Everybody who knows me, know that I don’t accept anyone in my life, especially men.

But this one, I swear to God, he was shy and all this calm and warm, that all I could feel was connection right there. I was relaxed but I could feel that from us two, I was the hurricane. I was crushing, falling and … swearing.

Sorry not sorry, like Yonce or Rihanna.

I am who I am. And if you didn’t found out till this moment that, then I will not apologize for being me.

I ain’t fucking with nobody.

 

7 years.

Seven years, guys! Seven!

I know, I weren’t so active this period, cause adult life happen but I still write and I still walking to my dream. I see it and I am getting it!

But seven years, is the longest relationship in my life and the most dramatic one. This blog was/is the most therapeutic thing and the nicest psychologist in my life, he just listen me writing and moaning about life/boys/life/men/life; and all he does is letting me read myself once again and decide whatever is good or not.

Seven years! And I am proud. I think we might need a drink!

I need to have a party!

I cherish you Yesterday. This Girl from Yesterday is the best thing that could happen in my life, yet. Be happy and healthy kiddo.

What will I say the morning after.

I will say that I don’t want this anymore. I don’t do half’s.Is too tiring, too un-beautiful.

The connection is there, even the passion is there but I am not the one. You could be my one, but we both know you will not let that happen.

I want the feeling to rip me apart, I want to fall for it, to explode in thousands of little stars and galaxies, but you won’t let that happen.You don’t want this. You are annoyed. You are too busy living your life and me waiting around, craving and lusting the one I can’t have.

Is it childish to feel like that? Maybe for others, cause I don’t do half’s.I do connections and vibes.

I lied to myself so many times, I let myself feeling like I need to grow for some types of men just cause they were making me feel like that; I won’t let that happen again. I will not shrink myself, or making myself smaller cause I fall for some man who doesn’t really gives a shit but he is also into me.

This feelings of mine worth to be felt! If you don’t wanna… No, not if! You don’t wanna be part of it. That why I am walking away.

I survived passions like this. I survived and I know I will survive this even if it ripping me apart to walk away from this. I will wait patiently for someone who will look at me like I am some sort of magic. Who will take the chance to this insane feeling and who will admit that I am the one. There is nothing bad in it.

You are not my friend. Friends don’t behave like this.

And no, I didn’t fall for you, yet. I am/was half way there, but I always turn myself around when my heart and even my brain meet not far away from the point of no return. I didn’t fall yet, cause this will be the same old story I know so well. I didn’t allow myself yet to jump without a secure.

I refuse to be that woman who waits and accept half’s. I am complete. I deserve ONE. I want to be someone’s one. Maybe you are my one, but for sure, I am not yours.

You are one of the kind and I was beyond lucky to meet and have you, even if it was half of you. But I refuse to be with you and without you, or wait around till you will fall for someone else and look at her like she is your magic. I don’t want to be around when this happen, cause in the end this will be a reality and if I will be there and watch you go, you will broke my heart in million pieces and I will start again putting myself together.

You never have had been my friend, cause friends don’t kiss like that, friends don’t make love like that. 

I wish you happiness, I really do. I like you so much, but I can live without you, the problem is I don’t want to, but I will make it through.

xxx, L.