When he told me he is not legal here, I was so relieved but once again I was just thinking ‘How the hell I do find them?’.
He is this young-old guy, good christian with good manners and all this stuff. From his stories, he was homeless some time ago. People who lost everything once, intend to keep them self always on high alert, protected and are wiser with money than other. From the day he told me, I wrapped myself up and didn’t let myself fall for him. Even if I did tell him I love you one night, I just felt it like say it for him, for his ego, so he can feel protected and loved. But it was in vain.
From the first date, all the other ones happened only in his room and bed. I didn’t eat any chocolate from him, didn’t smell any flowers from him and believe me, it wasn’t that he didn’t have the money, he just didn’t want me be spoiled.
I still remember our first date. He was shy or scared and me, I just liked him so much. I even step on my gut and end up in his bed. I don’t regret it, I am just thinking why didn’t I walked away from his life when it was perfect time to do it.
One night, I worked till 11 pm and after did plan to go to his place. I plan this dinner thing, and I asked him to buy a bottle of wine. He said okay. He got a flue, were feeling bad, I was very late to his house with the take away. For the first time, I got there feeling unwanted, and I just regret that I spend 30£ on that stupid take-away dinner that end up in the bin. He didn’t like it. Actually he didn’t like any food I order or bring with me. That was hard to deal with a ‘man’ who’s problems were around money. But he didn’t do anything to change that. But talking about change, I was the one with problems. I was constantly swearing, cursing and being immature.
Swearing when I bring food and I don’t see any appreciation, even a fake one. Swearing when I go mad cause he keeps forgetting that I am supposed to be his woman. Being immature when I lose it about him coming in me while I wasn’t on pill or without even asking me about it. He wants kids and would be happy if I got pregnant. I am being immature here? He doesn’t have 5£ for a bottle of wine, but he perfectly will raise up a child. I asked him, i don’t even remember how many times to change the bed linen or to wash it. In vain.
I didn’t even comment about all the strange stuff I found in his kitchen or that he didn’t even had oil for cooking. He have only sugar in that cupboard and that’s it. But he wants a child.
I was trying be the woman who will not fuck his brain out about all the stuff that for me are very important. That wasn’t love and I knew it, from the day I left a note on his bed side table ‘ If you didn’t love me by now, you will never will.’
The last three night I was going there for sex. Yes, I did. But when my body and health showed me a weird phase, I got worried. I was responsible for myself, and I didn’t want a miserable life. In the end I took a test and everything was fine. I was just getting all this weird problems from the pills I start taking without him knowing. Because he wanted kids and I don’t.
So when the situation got stuck on my nerve, I spilled the beans.
And I ended on the bad frequency of me texting long messages and swearing. At least I was being me and not faking something that doesn’t belong to me. Like being a responsible guy but playing with fire.